The Unification Wars

Log 3: I Hate These People
Why, Gods, why?

I hate these people and can’t wait to leave them. Everything they do annoys me to no end. As far as I’ve heard, the Half-Elf joined a cult of bandits, and took up the world’s stupidest bandit name.

Dingbat Radley. Dingbat. Fucking. Radley.

I hate them.

The Dragonborn in his infinite wisdom, decided to bother himself (and myself, more importantly) with the council woman (Lu- something or other) in the early hours of the morning. Who cares what happens to her? I don’t understand his motives. He wanted to warn her about the bandits, so that’s what we did. Well, what he did. I looked around the room, seeing if there was going to be anything of value to make this mundane trip worth my while. I was promptly outed.

I hate them so, so much.

The Tiefling was… somewhere, I guess. Prison maybe. I’m genuinely surprised he never outed me for breaking into that crime scene. It’s rather… nice. Anyway, I think he tried to lick some spit off the floor and poisoned that bitch of a woman, Buckingham. For a Tiefling, Kairon is proving to be rather enjoyable… and then also incredibly not.

I believe he may have gotten saved by the Handsome Knight In Shining Armour, Ralph. He then proceeded to tell him about the Bandits, some guy called “Mad-Eye-Cullen” (Hate That.), as well as the lady that got murdered and the potential house burnings. Why is everyone so concerned with telling everyone our business?

Speaking of the bandits, the Genasi was meant to be scouting with the Half-Elf, Kairon had asked them to find some herbs for him, so maybe he did that too. Regardless, in the end he promptly gave up on that whole endeavour, and decided, hmm yes, mayhaps I, too, shall become a bandit.

It didn’t go well.

The little idiot gave away 270g as a bribe to get into a fucking bandit camp. I was going to steal that gold, and he just gives it away! Lucky for me, Dingbat managed to get it back, but I’ll get to that whole ordeal later.

Eventually the Genasi managed to meet up with Dingbat, and proceeded to, very discreetly, ask her “What are your goals?”
_
“What are your goals?”_

Smooth. Very discreet.

They decided it would probably be best to find “Mad-Eye Cullen.” After some wandering and searching, they stumbled across it and managed to get inside the tent. The security in this place is fairly lax, all things considered, but I digress. Whilst waiting, Dingbat slipped the Genasi a lockpick (because that’s going to do him a whole lot of good, I guess) and settled down to gamble with the second in command of the cult. Also there’s a fair few amount of people in here missing eyes.

The second in command sent the Genasi to become a water boy and fetch him some ale. Water-boy. The water Genasi.

So, Water-boy went off in search of some ale, lest he maybe lose an eye? When he finally found someone that may have it, he was promised ale but he must Entertain the man.

“Juggle for me boy!” Is how I imagined that one went.

Water-boy dropped an egg on himself, because yeah, I’m sure this Genasi has definitely been a performer for his whole life. At least he got the ale.

Dingbat tried to bluff her way through a card game, and did surprisingly well for the first round. Before losing the second, and losing her money as well as her little flute. As Water-boy arrived back, however, he discovered them betting quite a few interesting items. A box, and a dagger that made a high pitched screaming sound (which we would come to find out was actually screaming “The Box!” in Primordial).

Dingbat, through a stunning display of sleight of hand, managed to shuffle the deck and rig her hand, earning her the win. The loot included, her flute, all the money previously lost (including the money Water-boy stupidly lost earlier) as well as the shiny, screaming dagger. Of course they got accused of cheating, but promptly made their way out, Water-boy giving one last wink goodbye. Fuck knows why.

Back in the city, the Dragonborn awoke from a good rest and ventured out. He watched as a guard made his way to the Barracks, and he, himself, headed towards the council house. I’m beginning to think this man secretly wants to be a councilman from the amount of time he spends there. Either that or he’s into Lucretin or whatever.

They talked of bandits and Buckingham for awhile, before he decided, hmm, yes, you know what would be a very good action to make? I’m going to threaten a council member, to another council member. And then left.

When he returned to our lovely hovel, Kairon, the Dragonborn and I set off back to the crime scene. I couldn’t help but feel just a touch giddy. I was hoping that I would be able to convince the Dragonborn to steal that lovely painting for me. However, I was also rather excited to test out my Misty-step on more than one person. And, what better people to test it out on!

The first attempt at it went remarkably well, if I do say so myself. There were no lost limbs, no irrevocable damage done to any mind, all round a good first try. The Dragonborn wasn’t so pleased though, and tried to throw me out a fucking window. Whatever happened to using your words and voicing your concern, huh? Fucking unbelievable.

Anyway, I got back my rope, whilst the Dragonborn checked out the lovely Chantelle Dixon’s mangled corpse. Kairon, again, showing a rather strange kindness cured me of my exhaustion, and let me know that the flower I had taken from outside the temple has some healing qualities.

After some time, the Dragonborn identified the bite marks as a Leviathan. Good. Great. So thrilled about that. He decided that he definitely wasn’t a fan of my misty-step and opted for the front door as his escape route.

Kairon and I, however, had a much more enjoyable and exciting time, where I safely teleported away, whereas he got stuck inside and felt as though his skin was ripped off of him. Very interesting.

tl;dr
Helia and Typ infilitrated the the bandit camp and earned some sweet gold and a very shiny dagger.

Meri and Harlow alerted Lucretia to the bandit threat.

Kairon escaped from pirson, flirted with Ralph and poisoned Buckingham because, hell yeah.

Meri identified the bite marks as a Leviathan and Harlow tested out her magic on unsuspecting companions.

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Log 2: Darth After Dark

Never Has a Town Been Plagued by Such Fuckery

  • The group crash a council meeting! Fear not, the councillors were deliberating trivial affairs: by-laws, fiscal responsibility and the liquidation of urban slums. Glad we came on a quiet day.
  • Meet Buckingham: Hunter of magic, enemy of due process and noble shitstain. She demands an explanation for our presence. Meri utters untruths. Kairon is dismissed. I love justice!

The Gang Gets Their Shit Together

  • Using a spy network fuelled by child labour, Harlow discovers the severity and extent of class conflict in Darth. Nobles and slum dwellers are at each other’s throats and tensions are boiling over.
  • Whilst gathering information on Darth’s implosion, I remember the armed bandits seen amassing in the forest. In retrospect, this was vital information. But, consider this: Ralph.
  • Helia summersaults into Darth’s bank and is greeted by the visage of white-collar crime – Cornelius Belleville! Snatching evidence out from under him, Helia escapes into the night.
  • Meri engages Lucretia Blythe and informs her of looming attacks on her estate. He does so with the elegance and poise of a dragonborn skewered on her fence.
  • Noting the disposition and complexion of local townsfolk, Typ hides from thirsty onlookers. Serving as the group’s intermediary, it takes him thirty seconds to forget our locations.

Progress?

  • Harlow and I inspect a local crime scene, saturated with magic. After an initial investigation, I distract the guards (feat. vomiting) and allow Harlow to get a closer look (feat. grand larceny). Naturally, this results in my incarceration. I love justice!
  • Our comrades venture into the woods in search of bandits. Who knows where they will end up. Are they gathering surveillance? Taking a stab at infiltration? At any rate, I hope someone has a lock pick.
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Log 1: Darth

The bustling seaside town of Darth is filled with suffering. Tension thrums in the air. The poor line the streets while those better off line their pockets with gold, blind to the divide. This is no different to the cities along the road to the Khaadi coast.

Here, too, magic is volatile. A cursory probe leaves me restless. Sickness and death brought on by magic use. Mages run out of town. The only sure sign of magic is the crooked tower looming on the outskirts. Town folk either turn away or detail with nervousness stories of the sole occupant: a large metallic beast known for eating children. Is this the infamous Seth Greyson?

I am not the only one interested in the tower or its owner. This is the company I find myself in now, brought together by the tower’s giant metal inhabitant (not Seth Greyson, but some sort of servant? Creation?). The group is an odd, potentially dangerous combination. A timid magical boy, a prickly tattooed elf, an impulsive dragonborn and a muddy self-serving tiefling? I struggle to keep up, scrambling to cover tracks and pull lies to try and foster some sense of trust while keeping us out of trouble. I find myself missing home and family.

The creature called us “heroes” and our only way forward, the only foreseeable way to find this Seth Greyson, is to restore balance to this town. Our goal is mutual, so the logical solution is to work together.

This is easier said than done. The tiefling storms off, so the dragonborn’s solution? Abduction. The tiefling responds in kind, leading the guard directly to our hideout with accusations of kidnapping. I am new to this continent and I find my stories failing to convince them otherwise. We were lucky to hide the map—one of our sole leads—before were led away in chains.

How are we meant to help the people of this town while locked away? I would very much like an answer, particularly from this tiefling. Perhaps I can talk some sense into him. Hopefully this council will allow us the opportunity.

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