The Unification Wars

Log 3: I Hate These People

Why, Gods, why?

I hate these people and can’t wait to leave them. Everything they do annoys me to no end. As far as I’ve heard, the Half-Elf joined a cult of bandits, and took up the world’s stupidest bandit name.

Dingbat Radley. Dingbat. Fucking. Radley.

I hate them.

The Dragonborn in his infinite wisdom, decided to bother himself (and myself, more importantly) with the council woman (Lu- something or other) in the early hours of the morning. Who cares what happens to her? I don’t understand his motives. He wanted to warn her about the bandits, so that’s what we did. Well, what he did. I looked around the room, seeing if there was going to be anything of value to make this mundane trip worth my while. I was promptly outed.

I hate them so, so much.

The Tiefling was… somewhere, I guess. Prison maybe. I’m genuinely surprised he never outed me for breaking into that crime scene. It’s rather… nice. Anyway, I think he tried to lick some spit off the floor and poisoned that bitch of a woman, Buckingham. For a Tiefling, Kairon is proving to be rather enjoyable… and then also incredibly not.

I believe he may have gotten saved by the Handsome Knight In Shining Armour, Ralph. He then proceeded to tell him about the Bandits, some guy called “Mad-Eye-Cullen” (Hate That.), as well as the lady that got murdered and the potential house burnings. Why is everyone so concerned with telling everyone our business?

Speaking of the bandits, the Genasi was meant to be scouting with the Half-Elf, Kairon had asked them to find some herbs for him, so maybe he did that too. Regardless, in the end he promptly gave up on that whole endeavour, and decided, hmm yes, mayhaps I, too, shall become a bandit.

It didn’t go well.

The little idiot gave away 270g as a bribe to get into a fucking bandit camp. I was going to steal that gold, and he just gives it away! Lucky for me, Dingbat managed to get it back, but I’ll get to that whole ordeal later.

Eventually the Genasi managed to meet up with Dingbat, and proceeded to, very discreetly, ask her “What are your goals?”
“What are your goals?”_

Smooth. Very discreet.

They decided it would probably be best to find “Mad-Eye Cullen.” After some wandering and searching, they stumbled across it and managed to get inside the tent. The security in this place is fairly lax, all things considered, but I digress. Whilst waiting, Dingbat slipped the Genasi a lockpick (because that’s going to do him a whole lot of good, I guess) and settled down to gamble with the second in command of the cult. Also there’s a fair few amount of people in here missing eyes.

The second in command sent the Genasi to become a water boy and fetch him some ale. Water-boy. The water Genasi.

So, Water-boy went off in search of some ale, lest he maybe lose an eye? When he finally found someone that may have it, he was promised ale but he must Entertain the man.

“Juggle for me boy!” Is how I imagined that one went.

Water-boy dropped an egg on himself, because yeah, I’m sure this Genasi has definitely been a performer for his whole life. At least he got the ale.

Dingbat tried to bluff her way through a card game, and did surprisingly well for the first round. Before losing the second, and losing her money as well as her little flute. As Water-boy arrived back, however, he discovered them betting quite a few interesting items. A box, and a dagger that made a high pitched screaming sound (which we would come to find out was actually screaming “The Box!” in Primordial).

Dingbat, through a stunning display of sleight of hand, managed to shuffle the deck and rig her hand, earning her the win. The loot included, her flute, all the money previously lost (including the money Water-boy stupidly lost earlier) as well as the shiny, screaming dagger. Of course they got accused of cheating, but promptly made their way out, Water-boy giving one last wink goodbye. Fuck knows why.

Back in the city, the Dragonborn awoke from a good rest and ventured out. He watched as a guard made his way to the Barracks, and he, himself, headed towards the council house. I’m beginning to think this man secretly wants to be a councilman from the amount of time he spends there. Either that or he’s into Lucretin or whatever.

They talked of bandits and Buckingham for awhile, before he decided, hmm, yes, you know what would be a very good action to make? I’m going to threaten a council member, to another council member. And then left.

When he returned to our lovely hovel, Kairon, the Dragonborn and I set off back to the crime scene. I couldn’t help but feel just a touch giddy. I was hoping that I would be able to convince the Dragonborn to steal that lovely painting for me. However, I was also rather excited to test out my Misty-step on more than one person. And, what better people to test it out on!

The first attempt at it went remarkably well, if I do say so myself. There were no lost limbs, no irrevocable damage done to any mind, all round a good first try. The Dragonborn wasn’t so pleased though, and tried to throw me out a fucking window. Whatever happened to using your words and voicing your concern, huh? Fucking unbelievable.

Anyway, I got back my rope, whilst the Dragonborn checked out the lovely Chantelle Dixon’s mangled corpse. Kairon, again, showing a rather strange kindness cured me of my exhaustion, and let me know that the flower I had taken from outside the temple has some healing qualities.

After some time, the Dragonborn identified the bite marks as a Leviathan. Good. Great. So thrilled about that. He decided that he definitely wasn’t a fan of my misty-step and opted for the front door as his escape route.

Kairon and I, however, had a much more enjoyable and exciting time, where I safely teleported away, whereas he got stuck inside and felt as though his skin was ripped off of him. Very interesting.

Helia and Typ infilitrated the the bandit camp and earned some sweet gold and a very shiny dagger.

Meri and Harlow alerted Lucretia to the bandit threat.

Kairon escaped from pirson, flirted with Ralph and poisoned Buckingham because, hell yeah.

Meri identified the bite marks as a Leviathan and Harlow tested out her magic on unsuspecting companions.


Ben_Coultas pudhunnie

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